I used to love constant change, I found it thrilling and exciting. I sought it out. Who wants to be boring I’d think, not me! I’d blame it on my star sigh, I’m a Gemini, we are a feisty lot, creative and needing lots of stimulation, we have two sides, which one will I be today? Partners would blame my love of change on my bipolar, ‘You only want to break up because you’re bipolar,’ or ‘Everything is your fault because of your brain.’ Steady on mate, I don’t see your degree, nor your hours and hours spent in therapy picking apart said brain. I break up with you because you are not good for me, I make decisions and mistakes because I am human, just like you, but at least I am making them. It's easy to sit on that high horse and throw little stones, you can’t even be bothered to pick up the rocks, too much effort, you’re lazy like that. There is no one more critical of me than me. As I said I used to love and crave change, I can be hard to keep up with if you’re the wrong type. In many ways I still do, but I have learnt to find value in the consistency that comes with certain phases of life. When you are a single parent, or perhaps just a parent in general? there isn’t a huge amount of wiggle room with the daily ins and outs. You have to clean the house, you have to feed the kids, you have to make some money, you have to get kids to school and to appointments, to bed, you have to pay all the bills, do all the shopping, be everything because you are on your own… there is a lot of ‘same.’ I am in the ‘same’ phase now. My kids need consistency, they need to feel safe and steady, so this ship I am steering, I am diverting away from the icebergs because we don’t need to go down like the ill-fated Titanic. RIP. I’m pushing for routines, early bedtimes, better meals, quiet time, rest, conversations, I’m listening hard because they deserve to be heard. This is my Mother phase, I am motherless, so I am navigating this without a map. My Maiden phase is now long behind me, it was fun for a time. Some days I feel more like I am in my Crone phase, age wise I am getting close, or perhaps I just wish I was because I am weary. I wish to sleep with the moon and rise with the sun, to drink tea in my garden without care, to have completely, once and for all let go of all those who trouble me, knowing I have done my time and owe no one. To sit in the sun with my eyes closed, to let my stomach out, that stomach bloated from childbirth and age. To turn grey gracefully, although they are yet to appear, to move slower because I have the time. To cackle delightfully because I am considered the mad village witch, that would please me. To write my spooky stories and sing my spooky songs, because it’s what I love to do. To be at peace knowing my kids are happy and healthy human beings because of the work I put in. To know that every sacrifice I made was bloody worth it, because they are worth it. I look forward to the Crone. But I am Mother right now and always will be of course, although my role will reduce. So, I settle in, being present in this moment because before long it will pass. I know change will come, when it is time, but not yet. I pull on the reins and ask my horses to wait a little longer. I don’t want to miss a minute. That itching under my skin to change is still there, it always is. But we have a deal. Change needs to take a time out for a while so I can parent the way I want to parent. It is mostly okay with that because it understands. We as humans, move through phases in life and some are harder than others, some feel like you won’t make it through but we do, mostly. As we age the phases become a little scarier, because as a species we are too aware of our mortality. But we can look at that awareness as a gift, we can savour the moments, the phases, embrace them all before our time runs out. Hopefully we have a good few years before it does. So for now, the Mother continues on, the Crone lies in wait and I smile my crooked smile because I know I am blessed. Perhaps you’ll see me years from now, I’ll be the one riding the night sky on my broom, cackling away, sprinkling magic dust over you all. Peace.
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I’ve been a single parent for a big chunk of time now. I have chosen to make certain 'sacrifices' or 'decisions' because I wanted to put my kids first. In some ways, this was my only option having a neuro-diverse kiddo but one I do not regret regardless. Single parent life has many ups and downs, financially it is tough, but all single parents know this right? I don’t really have much of a life outside kids, but I do grab moments here and there to do things I love like music and writing which completely float my boat, and I am so fucking happy that my kids and I are super close, that is my reward for it all. Being the primary (only) carer means I make all the calls, all the decisions, sometimes I get it super fucking right and sometimes super fucking ‘not so’ right, but at least I am there doing my best to not fuck these kids up too much, because let’s face it, all parents fuck their kids up to some extent, some more than others. At least we are there, doing it all, being bloody superheroes. I carry the weight of the good and the bad, the happy and the sad and I wouldn’t trade it for the world BECAUSE when I am old and pooping my pants, these kids will feel indebted to pay me back for all the years. No, I’m kidding, sort of, I wouldn’t trade it because they are fucking awesome and I adore them and life is about connecting, learning and growing. Life with them is the joy of a family bond I never had, it is healing in so many ways, too many to count. They have taught me that it isn’t ‘all about me,’ that I am not the centre of the universe, they don’t owe me shit, my ego has rightfully copped a walloping. I chose to have them, to love them, to nurture them, to help them grow into reasonably well functioning adults and will help them bounce back after they fuck up, as they will and do regularly. I’ve been playing with tarot cards of late, another one of my loves, and there is one card that kept jumping out at me over and over one day, it was the Strength card. How apt. I’ve got it, you’ve got it. We can do the hard things. So I raise my glass to all those who stayed, who put in the work, who love and cherish, who keep picking themselves up off the floor after another takedown, who keep going regardless of it all. I fucking salute you. Peace. |
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March 2024
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