Prince Philip died this week.
The image of the Queen sitting alone, head down, dressed in black, by her late husband’s coffin is heartbreaking. I’m not a big fan or follower of the Royals but what broke my heart is that a woman who has been in a marriage with someone for 73 years just lost that person. I don’t know if they liked each other anymore, I haven’t even watched The Crown. But that is a LONG time to spend in companionship with someone. The image made me cry, it made me long for something but for what? I was married, but no more. A 73 year marriage is never going to happen for me, I doubt I would even want it too. However, my inner romantic sometimes longs for a companion, a lifelong companion to hold hands with throughout all of life’s ups and downs. I know in reality relationships are hard work and women are usually let down by the men in their lives as they carry the burden of almost everything, the cooking, cleaning, childcare, ‘husband’ care, washing, family admin, loss of identity and so on… yet still, besides this part of me wants someone to grow old with, to die with, to mourn or to be mourned by. Is it the fairy tales we are fed as young girls? Am I, as I approach 50 still waiting for my Prince? I’m way too cynical to believe in being rescued by a man, nor would I want to be. The feminist in me is strong, my tolerance for baby men is non-existent yet, still, occasionally I wouldn’t mind having a decent one around. I love my own company, I need time alone. I don’t do dating apps, no judgement, they are just not for me. I am happy in the garden, with a book, a good film, my friends and animals, the list of things I adore is endless. So maybe I’m not missing out on anything? Maybe it is just a fairy tale? Maybe it’s just patriarchy telling us that we are not complete without a partner? I hope the Queen finds peace, it has been a rough few years for the Royals.
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I’m feeling for Kanye West right now. I’m feeling for a man who suffers from the same mental health disorder that I do but I have a few, precious people in my life who help me be accountable, who help me through manic episodes and potentially stop me from making some pretty major mistakes. I’m guessing he doesn’t. For Kanye, he has the world watching, judging, laughing and pitying him. His most recent manic episode at his rally has been broadcast around the world, it was heartbreaking to see him fall apart without the support he most clearly needs. It is true that when you are manic you are highly creative, unstoppable, intensely motivated, do lots of crazy stuff, some things great, some not so great and you don’t bother with sleep. If you are Kanye, you run for President. Despite having no qualifications whatsoever, the mania makes you believe that it is possible. He is kind of right too, I mean Trump got elected, we never thought that would have happened. That is why Kanye calls it his superpower, because sometimes that is exactly what it feels like. But at his rally, we saw a man lost in his mania and pivoting rapidly towards the unbearable slump and depression that follows an intense manic episode. That is the price we pay for these moments of extreme highs, what goes up must come down and come down we do. When you come down, you realise all the crazy things you did whilst manic and if you’re like me, you panic and cancel things and have immense guilt and fear about all the money wasted, projects started and neglected, people picked up and dumped, major life decisions made and you simply can’t move. You cry, you have remorse, regret, you literally hate yourself. Until the next high. I’m not sure what the people around Kanye are doing for him, I can imagine he is very hard to try and help, he is like an out of control freight train. I hope he gets the support he needs; I hope he steps back and takes the time to heal. I hope he cancels his twitter account. I hope he drops out of the Presidential race. I hope he backs out of the spotlight but I highly doubt it. In the meantime, please understand that Bipolar is a mental illness, not a joke, not a meme. If you can’t be kind. Step back, you are just being harmful. Peace. Dear Men
How are you going? It’s been pretty stressful lately hasn’t it? I haven’t been coping so well. I just thought I’d check in with you because I’ve noticed you’re not coping so well either. The world is pretty fucked up right now and people have lost their livelihoods and worse, their lives. We are all trying to figure things out. I know you’re feeling it too Men. I also know most of you won’t admit it. There is a lot of pressure on you growing up to behave a certain way. You can’t grow up hearing things like, ‘Be a man,’ ‘grow some balls,’ and ‘boys don’t cry,’ and not have that shit totally ingrained in your brain. Where does that leave you? In a lot of cases unable to admit or accept that you might need some help, to know that it is ok to say you are not coping and to get some professional support. You soldier on, you have a drink, you scream at other drivers, you tailgate, you terrorise your spouse, your children, you punch walls, you punch women, you kill women and sometimes yourselves. Ok let’s back up a second, I know ‘not all men’ but let’s be honest, it’s a fucking lot of you isn’t it? When you suppress your sadness, it turns to anger, when you suppress your anger it turns to rage, when you try and suppress… no wait, you can’t. You wear it like a badge of honour, you’re the tough guy and everyone else is wrong. Chests puffing up, fists clenched and spit flying from your mouths as you snarl at your target. I have been in therapy on and off for almost all of my adult life, I have taken medication on and off for most of my adult life. I read and educate myself and talk to others and reach out for support when I need it and offer it in return. I have been in relationships where counselling has been rejected because, ‘we don’t need it’ or rather ‘he doesn’t need it’. The men who don’t need counselling: I have seen them go into rages and frighten the shit out of their children only to apologise later… until the next time. This is abuse. Your children will remember it. I have seen them call women crazy, hysterical, insane, unfit mothers and sluts, in order to manipulate the courts into giving them what they want. I have seen them lie about their earnings so they can avoid paying child support. I have seen them punch other men over parking spots. I have seen them tailgate, chase, threaten, intimidate other drivers because they don’t like how they drive. I have seen countless women flee their homes with their children and the clothes on their back to seek shelter in refuges because they know the next punch might be fatal. I have been gas lit, manipulated, controlled, hit and abused. By men. But still, you don’t need counselling. Destroy the Joint counts the number of women killed in Australia by the men in their lives, the number keeps going up and up. It’s a national emergency but it’s just women right? So nothing is done. ‘She drove him to it,’ ‘She wore the wrong clothes,’ ‘She was asking for it,’ ‘No doesn’t mean no,’ ‘She pushed him first,’ ‘She should have kept her mouth shut,’ ‘If I can’t have her no one can,’ ‘She can’t have the kids either, no one can.’ Men, if this pisses you off and you’re mad at me you need to step back and think about it. How do your mates talk about women? How do they talk about their exes? Is she a ‘psycho bitch?’ I’ll bet he says she is. She isn’t. It is time for you to sort your motherfucking shit out. Go to the counsellor, get a mental health care plan, take medication if you need it. Talk to your mates. Make it ok to have feelings. It isn’t weak. It takes courage to admit you have a problem and you will gain nothing but respect from the worthy people in your life when you step up and say, ‘I need help.’ Your children don’t want to be afraid of you. They need to feel safe. Your spouse deserves to be treated with respect and to not be killed. If you can’t drive without going into a rage. Sort that shit out and don’t have the kids in the car with you until you do. In fact don’t drive until you get your act together. Because you might kill someone. Treat your mother with respect, treat your ex with respect. Even if you dislike each other, don’t say that shit in front of your kids. Your children are watching. You are modelling for your son how to treat women; you are modelling for your daughter how she should expect to be treated. Step up and do your damn job properly. Stop the tantrums, stop being immature. Grow the fuck up and that’s means being accountable for your emotions. Let me clarify: It is never ok to: Manipulate, gaslight, abuse, threaten, intimidate, assault, kill anyone ever. Have tantrums, frighten women and children, be aggressive and controlling. Especially not your kids and not the women in your life. It is ok too: Respect, nurture, them and yourself. To admit you need help and to get it. It’s pretty straight forward stuff. Hold yourself and your mates accountable. Do you get it? So, I ask again. How are you going? Do you need some help? |
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