Alas, that is a paradox. A Gen X brain is rarely balanced because we grew up without any mental health support at all. Not even a conversation over a cuppa and a bikkie. Not a single Zoloft in sight. What a rort right? We grew up, ‘getting on with it’ and consequently grew up tough and independent. These are not bad traits I don’t believe, but we do spend hours in therapy trying to understand why we were allowed to watch Freddy Kruger at age 9, stay home alone for hours at 10, go out clubbing at 14 and basically live lives devoid of parenting and emotional support. (or is it just me?) We can’t blame our parents too much, that’s just the way it was. They worked, they had a mortgage to pay. They were also ignored by their parents, so they didn’t know much better. No one recognised depression, anxiety, bipolar, autism, ADHD or if they did it was all hush hush. Too much shame, too much unknown. ‘Cheer Up, you’ll be right’ right? ‘He is just naughty!’ ‘She is weird!’ I didn’t get any of my diagnosis until I was in my 20’s when I took myself off to the Dr to find out why I struggled so much. I wonder if I was given support as a kid, if things would have been different? Maybe, but I don’t wallow… anymore. I think you have to embrace whatever it is that makes you you. Get the help and support you need, talk about it, take your meds, don’t be shamed, live a healthy life and don’t beat yourself up. I lived in shame for many years due to the stigma around mental illness and the weaponisation of my diagnosis against me by people who wanted fodder for their abusive behaviour. But I’m too smart for that now, too feisty and ‘independent’. See after all, what a good thing to be! I’ve grown into someone formidable, in my mind at least anyway. I don’t care if I am told I am too loud, too opinionated, too old, too fat, too nasty, too nice, too, too emotional, too independent, too anything. I have earned that right, to be all and any of those things. I’m drawn to strong women, women who speak their mind, who speak up for others, who are considered slightly unhinged because they have confidence. Women who speak up are often viciously silenced. It’s boring. So don’t be silent. Be authentically you. Warts and All Baby. As for my brain, it’s a work in progress, but I love the damn thing. Peace.
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Making the conscious decision to focus on the ‘brighter side of life’ can be a brave one. It takes energy, effort, refocusing, constantly reminding oneself to quit negative chatter and to try and find those often-elusive silver linings, but is it worth the effort? Sometimes life exhausts the shit out of me, lately it has. For starters our family dog died, which ripped all our hearts out in one swift motion. Secondly, I had to put a pause on the building of my beloved studio while I sort out some other priorities like feeding my children, dealing with unnecessary drama and paying for ever rising electricity costs (it’s a joke right?) So the thought of sitting back, sipping on my beloved cacao and journaling made my stomach churn and that is fine. Because sometimes life kicks you in the balls, and it is bloody okay to sit back and watch Schitt’s Creek while eating some Hagen Daas and crying. It is normal to experience a range of emotions, to feel anger, sadness and grief as well as happiness, excitement and hope. We are, if you believe as I do, spiritual beings having a human experience and being a human is a hard bloody job. For starters we were gifted with the self-awareness that we will die, I mean wtf is that about? Oh to be a cat and live in sweet oblivion. It is normal to have days, weeks, months even when life feel like it is too much, when it seems like everything and everyone is throwing shit your way – honestly some people have nothing better to do, but that’s more about them than you. Now I am not one of those manifesting woo-woo lovers that will fill my social media with linen wearing, perfect house, no cloudy day vibes. Firstly, I only wear black, my house is a mess and honesty is more helpful than that bullshit. Because what do you think then? When you are covered in chip crumbs looking at someone’s fake perfect life? I say in the bin with it. But this is what I think, don’t sit in the mucky muck for too long. Honour your feelings, scream, cry, overindulge in chocolate, ask God wtf? But then when you are ready, put on some tunes you love, wash your face, jump around and come back to the present. Because the good and bad thing about the Universe and the Law of Attraction is that what you put out you attract. If you keep putting out that life is shit and you only have bad luck, then some more of that will come your way. I am NOT saying it is your fault, because bad things happen. It is not your fault. What I am saying is that you have the power to turn it around, because remember what you put out you attract, so if you put out some goodness, that’s what will come back and that is great fucking news. It is worth it, to pull yourself out of your funk, to believe that good things are coming your way, to believe you are worth it, because you are, to believe you deserve more than what has been dished out to you of late because you do, to believe you can have an amazing bloody life, because you can. And to those that try and bring you down, well karma’s a bitch baby. Peace. Ps – If you want 111 more ideas on how to get out of your funk, grab my little book here: https://amzn.to/47TGwEtc (affiliate link) Today has me thinking hard about grief. We have lost two beautiful people from the world over the past week, one at the beginning of his life and the other with many years behind her, both great losses. Of-course you know last week we lost the formidable, extraordinary warrior woman Sinead O’Connor, and today, the young and talented Angus Cloud from Euphoria. Both seem, if we believe what the media reports, to be weighed down heavy by a grief which eventually took them away.
Sinead losing her son eighteen months prior to her own life ending, he struggling with his own battles didn’t make it past seventeen. I can only imagine the intolerable pain losing a child would bring, I don’t know if I could survive that, Sinead did for eighteen months. But I imagine those months intolerable. Angus lost his father just weeks ago, the funeral just one week before he lost his own life. A few weeks living in the world without his best friend and father to decide that life without him was too much for him to bear. We don’t know exactly what happened yet, this is only speculation, but regardless the loss is immense. I get it. Grief can be a beast; it can be all consuming and overpowering. I have my own experience with loss and grief having lost both my parents by the time I was thirty-seven. Each death was excruciating, each time I didn’t know how to move forward. Even now at fifty-one, I wonder how to navigate this world alone, with no parent to call on for advice, for help, for money to fill the car, to watch the kids so I can work, to tell me I am doing a good job, to tell me to pull my head out of my arse when I am being self-indulgent. Just to be my parents, so I am not the grownup. I miss them. But for whatever reason, I made it through the grief, the loss and the pain. It wasn’t because I had a great support system around me, I didn’t. It wasn’t because I was a superhero, super strong or resilient. I was and am just ordinary. The thing is, in our lives, we will all experience grief, it is unavoidable, and as humans it is even worse because we know this. We know we will lose our parents, our children know they will lose us. Hopefully it works in that order, many times it doesn’t. The world was so cruel to Sinead, she struggled to exist in it because she didn’t fit into any of the boxes people kept trying to stuff her into. She tore up the picture of the Pope and was crucified yet she was right and now in death the world sends her accolades. What hypocrisy. What a pity the accolades weren’t sent while she was alive, living deep in grief. It wouldn’t have made the grief easier but maybe, just maybe she would have felt a little less alone. Angus was a star on the rise, an undoubtable talent, his performance in Euphoria was absolutely mesmerising. What a damn shame we will never see him grow, just like those before him like River Phoenix, Heath Ledger and even James Dean. We can’t look away, they steal our hearts and then they are gone. I hope they have found peace now, I hope their pain has ended but I bloody wish they were still here. I am selfish like that and I want more of them. The world needed more of them. But to anyone struggling under the weight of grief know that there are people who want more of you, we all want more of you. So stick around. Maybe that’s why I made it through grief, I wanted a little bit more of me too. Happy Belated New Year everyone.
I know I’m late to the party but I’ve been hunkering down with the fam, planning a very different looking 2021 and avoiding the chaos. Covid is still with us, and I guess always will be in some way. Each day greets us with a new border closures, lock downs, mask rules and vaccine updates. All of it makes me weary. My feed is full of broken people, front liners asking for everyone to follow the rules as they are the ones dealing with the misery of it all and on the flip side too many conspiracy theories that bore me stupid. The USA has gone completely mad, well the Pro Trumpers have. When he said, ‘Make America Great Again,’ did he mean send it into absolute chaos and violence? Does inciting a coup make it great? He has been banned from social media which is very late in coming but at least it finally happened. I’m anxious about inauguration day. Are you? Not long to go now. Despite the great pile of steaming garbage that has clung to 2021 from the awful 2020, I am full of optimism. We have had rain instead of fires, my family is healthy; we have a roof over our heads, food on the table, animals running about and are more privileged than many. I am grateful. I am about to start home schooling my eldest and am studying again, I am a forever student. This year is full of changes, re adjustments and new ways of living. I think it’s going to be ok. What do you have to be grateful for? Do you have people you can reach out too? We must look after each other. Mental Health Matters. I’m here if you need a chat. Peace I had my first Covid test this week. Came down with a cough and a sore throat. I’ve been careful - masks, hand sanitising, social distancing and really not going out at all except for groceries and occasionally visiting a friend. Had to isolate completely until I had my results, ran out of cat biscuits… how privileged that that was my biggest concern. I am so lucky, so many others are struggling, so many others are not with the same privilege I enjoy. The Australian Government has increased the subsidised therapy sessions to 20 a year instead of 10. I hope this helps people struggling with their mental health throughout this pandemic. It will certainly help me. It will take a long time to recover. I doubt life will ever go back to the way it was pre-covid. Do we want it too? People seem to be reassessing what is important in their lives, moving out of cities in mass exoduses to quieter towns. Working from home, focussing on family. Thinking about what they want out of life. Some people are mad. I get it. There is great suffering. The planet has been given some reprieve but so many losses. Unbearable to consider. We need to care for each other more than ever. Do you have someone to talk too? Sharing a coffee with a friend is my mental health staple. My results were negative. I am fortunate. I hope you’re ok. Peace. I have been fumbling around in the darkness for over month now, maybe two. I’ve lost count. I am trying to be patient, waiting for the sun to peek through and lighten things up and yesterday I had a glimpse. The day was warm, the sun was out, I sat beneath it soaking up the rays whilst reading Sarah Wilson’s new book, ‘This One Wild and Precious Life.’ It lifted me up and stoked my curiosity, which made me feel a little better about my world. In my mind, I trekked with her, sat in the warm pubs eating, drinking and chatting to strangers. I would love to do that right now, but the world is closed. I am so grateful that Sarah wrote about her bipolar and anxiety in her book, ‘first, we make the beast beautiful,’ and will return to that one after this. She is a wonderful writer, nomad and I find her work so inspiring. I am thankful for her massive contribution to destigmatising mental illness. Back to my day, eventually the sun went down, my daughter put away her Harry Potter book and I put away mine and the darkness returned. It lurks and swallows you up. That is until the mania comes, or with Bipolar 2 ‘hypomania.’ So what do I do? I drink my coffee, write my words, do some housework, read books, play with the animals, love and nurture my kids and reach out to friends. My instinct is to go further inward but I know that I need to reach out. I need to keep moving so the darkness doesn’t close me in completely. It is a bastard. Those of you who feel this, you are not alone. I’m listening. |
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